The Color Blue

I'm reading the Color Purple and I've decided it's not awesome. I like the ideas behind it, but I find it poorly written. Not like I could do any better, but I sure as hell like Song of Solomon better. Its less about the selfish desire to celebrate yourself and more about freeing yourself and accepting others. Or at least thats the meaning I extracted from it. Either way, I love SOS. It speaks to the raging fire within oneself to abandon all inhibitions and set your spirit free. Its a lesson in love and a lesson in hate. It showed me that I have a novel, a personal story; it is interconnected and woven throughout the stories of the people I know and love and hate. My story is their story, and therefore, it is everyone's and no one's all at once. I just want to have an appropriate ending. I don't need a smiling happy family, loved one's back from the dead, and relationships stable, I need an ending that fits. It can be sad, but it can make me happy simultaneously. Anywho, I have to get going preparing for my two AP tests! Talk about biting off more than you can chew(or are at least to easily distracted to chew).
Celebrate life my friends, its the best advice I could ever give.

Oh young love, so poetic, so beautiful, so ignorant of reality

Its always a dream for the first months of a relationship, the "us against the world" attitude, "I don't know where I would be without you" , "you are my everything", and "I'll love you forever and always" . But you can never be so wrong. The world doesn't care about you, you would actually be just fine with your heart still beating regardless of whether or not you're with them, and they really aren't everything, you are everything in your world. And forever? Forever is a very, very, very long, vast, and limitless time. Forever in this one relationship? Forever attached to this person? What are you sacrificing with this commitment? Your life? Your passion? Or possibly the worst, your identity?
Speaking out of some kind of experience, I can say love is the most impossible challenge in my life I have ever tried to understand. Is it worth it? The tears, the screaming, the hurt and the pain, all to keep someone in this relationship you futilely believe will contain them forever in your possession. You can never really know a person, and the word love, a kiss, or even sex can't hold them to you forever. Being at the mercy of someone like that can destroy you. And unfortunately, I'm going to have to say that its not worth that. I would rather have my heart broken but my mind intact. And what is it that he loves? Is it me? Or is it the company? And what is it that I love?

Questioning a relationship that I have been in for so long hurts, more than anything I have experienced in my life. Its like there is a pressure in your heart, squeezing it until all the love and care is gone. But I suppose that planning out a future would be the worst thing to do, and dwelling on the past would hurt more. All I know is what I have now. And thats a man who won't promise me forever anymore, a man who is just as doubtful as me, and a big pile of shattered hopes and expectations. I guess moving forward is the only option, and I suppose that if I emerge still in love, than doubting something, can sometimes make it more real than you have ever imagined. I don't know though, and if anyone actually does waste their time reading this, I will tell you how it goes.

Good luck to you, cause I know I need some.

Blue Moon

I never thought of how much freedom there is in being alone. It's a frightening concept, to face the void of this world without someone beside you to reassure you everything is okay. Growing up means growing inward. And truth be told I find myself so terrified of being alone, but I know that the liberation of my soul rests in learning to be a solitary creature; complemented, not completed, by my partner.

And it feels like slowly, but inevitably I am dying of a broken heart, lying in a pile of the ashes of everything I held dear.


The only question is how I should start getting up again, and forming something new and beautiful so life can live again.

Too frail to wake this time.

"This is why events unnerve me,
They find it all, a different story,
Notice whom for wheels are turning,
Turn again and turn towards this time"

I feel so tumultuous, I love and I hate.
I feel trapped and liberated. I'm begging to be let go. But I can't decide if what I'm asking for is unreasonable. I want all of your love. I want all of your loyalty. Faithful to me you should be 99% and to yourself 100%. Thats how I am with you. My identity is first, my love with you second. You're all I want, but its all of you I want.

I will sacrifice my life with you, but I would rot in hell before I sacrifice myself for you.

I wish you could understand.